It was a beautiful Sunday night in May, the crisp cold night air tickled my nose as I stood on the front doorstep, quietly deliberating what to do with my evening. The night was young and the sounds of cheeky crickets drifted across the calm suburban landscape. A bath maybe, or a moonlit stroll? Perhaps a game of chicken with the stupid fluffy canine a few doors down. My tail twitched as I remembered how close the mangy mutt came to taking a substantial chunk out of it last time I paid him a visit. No, no adventures tonight, a nice relaxing bath sounded just right. I sat down and extended my tongue, when a sudden noise disturbed me. Then the smell of smoke filled the air and I knew exactly where it was coming from. Sighing, I stretched and stood back up, the bath would have to wait. I wasn’t particularly hungry but one shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth. Or let a stray human get away unscented. 
Straining like I never used to as a kitten I jumped the fence and walked carefully and cautiously past the tall stinky boxes the humans put their waste food in. There she was sitting on the steps of the neighbours; the woman next door was on fire again. Careless bloody human. She looked so cold bouncing her legs up and down. I have no idea why the hell that silly hairless creature goes out there just to set herself alight and breathe smoke out into the night air. Trying not to think about the pain that is now shooting up my thigh I attempted to hobble gracefully over to the steps were the human is perched. The human, notices and acknowledges me with the usual series of grunts and garbled noise. She’s not terrible as far as humans go, a bit unfriendly sometimes, and smelly, but not aggressive or dangerous. Not like the small human that lives there, which charges unprovoked at anything that moves. They need to put a muzzle on that thing, I’m sure there would be a cage or something that could house such an agro beast. You wouldn’t catch my human behaving like that. She would know better than to bring one of those small aggressive humans into my house. Its a good thing she has me to look after her but this human, this human is so lost without a cat to guide her.

I sidle up to her to make her smell a bit better. I tentatively rubbed up against her leg, just to let her know that I’m open to food if she has some. Her legs are black today, and she cleans my white fur off her. Yeah sure, you smell of smoke and you look like you are about to die of hypothermia, but yeah a couple of hairs are the main problem here. She didn’t appear to have any food, disappointing, but sadly not surprising. And I had wasted precious bath time. I thought I may as well leave her to her combustion. I don’t understand the compulsion to light bits of stuff on fire and inhale them deeply. It can’t be good for her. Oh well. Not my human not my problem. I head home, but decided to walk around the fence this time, not to repeat the same undignified landing and risk pulling another muscle. I know I shouldn’t sticky beak but all of these stray humans moving into the neighbourhood without cats to look after them is really troubling. I suppose, I thought shuddering, it could be worse they could have a terrier. 



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